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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Seriously Bad News

It's back.  The cancer is back.

My first reaction was to cry.  Then I sobbed, and cried some more.  Now mostly I am okay, except for random little things like when I hear my daughter tell me out of the blue, "I never ever ever want you to go away ever again!  Stay here forever!" and I have to hug her close so she doesn't see the tears falling.  Or I see the 4 little Halloween pumpkins on our front porch, one for each of us, and I think that sometime soon there might only be three.

Thoughtful, kind, people are always asking how I'm feeling.  How do I answer that??  I feel like crying and throwing a fit similar to the ones Evan throws when he's screaming and crying on the floor.  I feel like swearing up a storm and throwing every glass dish I have out the window.  I feel like grasping every moment I have with my kids and husband, making the best memories I can.  I feel like taking my kids to Disneyland, Costa Rica, and Hawaii and spending a month in each place, without a care in the world.

But that's enough whining.  Dr. Laura always says it's okay to whine, but only for a short while, then it's time to make a plan.  So I'm working on it.

My PET scan came back poor- an enlarged lymph node under my right arm and two in the groin area, as well as "intense activity" in my already huge tonsils.  I have been feeling tired lately, and had a lot of pain in my lymph system throughout my neck, chest, and jaw area ever since I came back to NJ from the summer in UT.  So I was pretty sure it was back before my appointment today.

I go in for a biopsy on Friday and should get final results on the Friday after.  I imagine I'll then hear the treatment plan as I'll be seeing my main doc, Dr. Goy, the world-reknowned lymphoma specialist.  Amazingly enough, a new drug called Adcetris was just approved by the FDA in August specifically for Hodgkin's Lymphoma patients with failed stem cell transplants.  This IS amazing by the way- there hasn't been a new drug approved for HL treatment since the seventies!  (Prior to this drug I had a 30% chance of still being alive in 5 years... now, it's better, but I don't know how much better those odds are, though I plan on making it at LEAST 5 years!)  I will likely receive several (up to 16) transfusions of Adcetris, one every three weeks, followed by possibly another stem cell transplant or bone marrow transplant- not quite sure about that part.  At least this is my understanding as of now, it will change after talking with the doc next Friday.

It is awful to have to face this again, exactly one year to the week of having to face it last year.  BUT, I have such wonderful support- husband, children, family, friends, ward, and my Savior... I can do this, again.  I have to do this.

As always, and even more so now, your prayers are welcomed.

27 comments:

  1. Oh Tessa, I am crying as I read this.....the pumpkin comment and comment made by your daughter made me so sad. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I am genuinely sorry. If anyone can beat this, it is you! We are praying for you and your family.
    -JoLynne and Curtis

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  2. It takes a strong spirit to take a physical and emotional beating as you are...my heart is with you!

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  3. Tessa,

    I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you are feeling. You are a strong, amazing woman and I know many people (including myself) look up to you! We will keep you and your family in our prayers (daily). And if you decide you want that Hawaii break, come stay with us. For as long as you like. I mean it. :)

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  4. Oh Tessa, I'm so sorry. I totally lost it when you spoke of your pumpkins. Know that we are praying for you and your family. I know that you have fought this before and will continue to fight. Love you...Aunt Darla

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  5. I know you are getting sick of the battle, but I remember playing softball with you (yes it was years ago) but you were always the teammate that kept the game going even when we were loosing. You could pull us out of a loss or keep the determination going. If I could give you any of the hope you gave me when playing softball all those years ago, it would be FIGHT! FIGHT HARD... we are all praying for you!! FIGHT and hopefully you will pull through this as well.

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  6. I'm so sorry Tessa. We will keep your family in our prayers. You are so strong, and amazing! :)

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  7. So sorry to hear this news! You will be in my prayers! Hang in there!

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  8. Tessa, I'm praying hard for your little family! I can only imagine what you have to go through and you have got more strength and determination than I could ever dream of having! Keep that kick a$$ attitude!!!

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  9. Tessa,
    My heart aches for you, I am so sorry to hear of you and your family having to go through this again. I will be praying for all of you. Your devotion to the Lord will help you get through this as always.

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  10. Worried about you and your family, cautiously optimistic about the new drug, amazed at your solidarity and practicality -- really at YOU.

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  11. Tessa,
    You are an amazing woman and well loved. You will be in our thoughts and prayers.

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  12. There is probably nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I wanted you to know You will always be in my thoughts and prayers. You are such an amazing person!

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  13. Oh no! Hearing this makes me want to throw all my dishes and swear like a sailor on your behalf. Praying for the best possible outcome for you. Hugs to your sweet family!

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  14. Oh Tessa. Your feelings are so real and you'd be CRAZY if you didn't feel those. My family and I will be praying for you and your little ones and of course, your husband as your support.

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  15. Tessa - We love you so much! I just called my Mom & she's heading to the Temple and is going to put your name in. I have family all over the place close to Temples, so I'm going to call them and have them do the same thing! You are so strong, and Heavenly Father is aware of your sweet family. Major prayers are coming your way. Love you, Tessa!

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  16. Sending love and prayers your way.

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  17. Tessa,
    Everyone is praying for you and for a miracle foryou and your family. You are so strong. You have the attitude to do it! You are so close to the spirit. Throw a few dishes and get to work fighting that stupid cancer! Everyone everywhere is praying for you. We all love you so much!! Love, Cam and Holly Wright

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  18. I am so humbled by your post. i'm not even sure what to say. but there is one thing that i know to be true, without the tiniest of a doubt...Prayer works. and i will pray for you. I hope you can be comforted during this battle. :) sure love and admire you! ...just keep swimming...

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  19. My heart goes out to you and your family. I'll be keeping you in my prayers!

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  20. Hi love, I hadn't seen this or been in the loop on facebook lately to have caught on. I'm sorry I didn't know, but I figured something was up. I love you so much. I don't have the words to make it any better but to tell you that I will continue to pray for you every day. And do whatever you need to help you find strength, enjoy your family and feel the Savior's love and peace. You are not alone. Love you.

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  21. Hi Tessa, Makie just shared this with me - my heart goes out to you and your family and we will continue to pray for you all. Your spirit is so strong in your words, and the lens you use to look at you and your family in these moments is so powerful - it moves us all. Take strength when you need it from all of the wonderful people around you that care so much for you. Our thoughts and prayers are with you always.

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  22. I'm so sorry. You are incredible, Tessa. I'm so proud to say I know you. I will pray hard!

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  23. Tess I am so sorry it's back. I can only imagine the pain that you are going through. We will for sure keep you and your family in our prayers.

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  24. Terry and I got big lumps in our throats (and feel like throwing tantrums and cussing too!) when we heard the c word. You and your darling family are so dear to us. Please know that we are sending lots of love, prayers and joy your way. Love Randy

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  25. I love all of your comments! Thank you! It makes me happy to know I have support, and that others are sharing this experience with me.

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  26. I don't know you but I am praying for you.
    I original saw your video when watching a bunch on mormon.org and that is where I found your blog.
    I have been crying off and on for a few days since I read this.
    I wasn't sure I should comment because I didn't want to seem crazy but I am praying and you are such a great example to all mothers of enjoying the simple things. Thanks for that.

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  27. Thank you for your strength and amazing example. There are many things in this life that I have said, "I could NEVER make it through that trial." But I also know that we are given strength that is not our own when we are faced with real trials. It is wonderful to see your strength and the obvious strength that is not your own, but comes from our Father in Heaven when it is needed the most.
    You and your entire family are in our prayers.
    Love,
    Jo (cousin)

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